How long until I am there?

Two skipped breakfasts. Three doses of Tylenol. 178 pages.

How long until I can curl up in your grass and look up at your sky and count your stars? Maybe they won’t seem as far away as they do here. 

18 hours of heavy eyelids. 4 wheels. 10 fingers. A gallon of someone else’s tears. One load of laundry.

How long until I can ask you to save me from myself? Because I don’t understand me. I don’t even know where to begin.

A hundred blinks while staring in a mirror. 5,476 unspoken words. A dot of superglue. 52 text messages. 0 notes.

How long until I am with you?

293 songs. 1 trip to Target. 12 hours of nausea. 3 Tarot card readings. 6 mostly forgotten dreams.

Everywhere I look there is a hazy fog. It settles over my dreams and my waking moments. I stand and watch the slow, twirling motion of the haze as it snakes around me and I am acutely aware of time. Time that moves around me just as the fog does. There is no clear pattern, no clear reason. I am not aware of how much is surrounding me or how much has passed. I cannot see far behind or far forward and what is in front of me is warped by the shadows of the fog. I only know that it is there and that it is moving past me. I don’t know where the sun is. Or the moon. I cannot see a single star. It seems to me as if the whole universe is consumed in the haze, but I know it is only me. I am disillusioned with my own identity. I can only stand, hardly blinking as I stretch out an arm to feel the cool, moist mist surrounding me.

Are you satisfied with that ending? No, neither am I.    

One: Card House Dreamer // Losing Control (the result of my creeping on facbook)

My world is falling apart.

I can hear their song from miles away.

I was a fool, I never saw it coming.

Oh no no.

It’s carried in the wind.

Its melody is sung to me in miracles.

My life is like a card house.

A delicate construction

With no regard for the wind.

When I hear their love song.

I don’t understand.

From out beyond the shadows.

I can hear it calling me.

Everybody’s changing.

Oh everybody’s changing.

And I don’t know know know 

know know how much more I can take.

Honestly, if I’m honest with myself.

I’ve cried myself to sleep.

Crying out, ‘Oh God, where are you?

Can you hear my scream way up there.

Through the clouds, in heaven?

Do you even care?’

I thought I had everything under control.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I thought I held my world in my hands.

Until it broke and I awoke from this foolish dream.

And honestly, if I’m honest with myself.

I hate the song they sing.

It’s like salt on an open wound.

But I can’t get it out of my head.

I put so much of myself in everything else.

Yeah in everything else.

This melody kills me.

It’s out of key and foolish.

It was a dream come seemingly true.

If I could just get past my pride.

I turn my head and look away.

‘Cause you know it hurts to see the light of day.

Torn at the seams 

revealing a nightmare.

But I think I might just like it.

Honestly, if I’m honest with myself.

I’ve cried myself to sleep.

Crying out, ‘Oh God, where are you?

Can you hear my scream way up there.

Through the clouds, in heaven?

Do you even care?’

I thought I had everything under control.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I thought I held my world in my hands.

Until it broke and 

I awoke from this foolish dream.

When I hear their love song.

I don’t understand.

From out beyond the shadows.

I can hear it calling me.

I thought I had everything under control.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I thought I held my world in my hands.

Until it broke my heart.

Everything I loved had changed.

And honestly, if I’m honest with myself.

I hate the song they sing.

It’s like salt on an open wound.

But I can’t get it out of my head.

The whole world hates you.

The whole world hates your song.

Oh God I’m a sinner

Coffee and cigarettes can’t save me

And I think I wanna sing along

No, it’s a hope where there’s no chance of a hope in the world. 

The whole world hates you.

The whole world hates your song.

And I’m hoping for, I wanna sing

(I’m hoping for), I wanna sing along.

I thought I had everything under control.

Heaven’s not so far away.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I can hear its melody from here in the waiting room of hell.

I thought I held my world in my hands.

I can hear its melody calling me (heaven’s not so far away)

Calling me home.

Until it broke and 

I awoke from this foolish dream.

Honestly, if I’m honest with myself.

I’ve cried myself to sleep.

Crying out, ‘Oh God, where are you?

Can you hear my scream way up there.

Through the clouds, in heaven?

Do you even care?

And honestly, I’ve never really been honest with myself

I thought I had everything under control.

Well, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I thought I held my world in my hands.

Until it broke my heart.

I hate the song they sing.

But the melody heals my wounds.

But I can’t get it out of my head.

Everything I loved was flawed.

Two: Tarot

Last night I had a dream that urged me to do a tarot card reading this morning. Nothing fancy, just a quick one-carder. When I shuffled, two jumped out at me (that happens sometimes, so I just go with it cause they often go together).

#6 Mental Card: Moving On

“You’re about to embark on a much-needed journey to leave the past behind. This card lets you know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel, and it signifies that the time has arrived in which a difficult cycle in your life is coming to an end. In the traditional tarot, this card also implies traveling or going forward- involving crossing water or even moving abroad. Calmer waters are ahead, and with all the lessons you’ve learned from past experiences, you’re approaching this period having grown; and you’re so much stronger for it. The healing process is under way; and now you can set your goals, desires, and objectives to secure a more positive and successful future. Because your mind is more settled and less worried, synchronistic events will bring the right conditions and introduce people into your life for your highest good.”

# 8 Physical Card: Positive Movement Forward

“You’re a true artisan, for you have the craft, skills, knowledge, gifts, and talents to assist you even more to advance in a positive direction. The number 8 always denotes prosperity and abundance, but in this case, it’s your efforts that have gotten you to this point. Good for you! This card often comes forth to honor and recognize individuals who are in the fields of art, design, music and education. When you follow and build on your passion, the soul can truly express itself and can then assist you to move closer toward your highest good. An opportunity could suddenly come up with an offer for an apprenticeship. Notice if there are areas of passion that are trying to manifest into your world. When they arise, you’ll have ample moments to share them with others.”

Now, I know there were parts that seem kind of… like “yeah right, tarot, you obviously haven’t seen my life lately” but this reading was just waiting for us. I think this is the Universe trying to be kind to us and let us know that it’s okay. This reading (obviously) was for both of us, not just me. Reading these cards had a calming effect on me this morning, I hope it does the same for you. Love you<3

P.S. I like how tumblr has become more of a new email account and less of my writing. :P C’est le vie! It’ll cycle. 

Can I just. I can’t even. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I’ve felt so empty. So much of my energy has gone into physically getting through the days that I don’t even want to explore my emotions anymore. 

You bring me so much comfort. You are so patient with me. I want you here, dearest yang. I don’t even care to talk about myself. I want to listen to you all day, even if what you have to say is unhappy. I really just want to hug you. I love you<3

I am so proud. You have come to an understanding that is truly beautiful.

Our equal and opposite interdependency is evident and as strong as ever. As you continue to feel your emotions, but continue to strive for the understanding that your emotions- ALL of your emotions- are as sacred as you are, I continue to struggle with feeling them. Your message resonates with me wholeheartedly. My head was nodding as I read through, the hint of a smile at the corner of my lips. You have said eloquently what I could not say before. But for me, as you say, I have not found my Anger yet. It is not that I feel it and force it down, it is that I don’t feel it (though the possibility remains that I force it down). This is our dance. You chase for understanding, I chase for feeling. I understand that emotions are important. When I feel true sorrow, I am relieved and happy. When it boils over and streams down my face, I am ecstatic. I want more. That freedom of expression- a phrase with so much more meaning now- is something I crave and envy. When people tell me they wish they didn’t cry so much, I envy them because I wish I did.

We have come so far. Emotional vulnerability is no longer a great fear. It is a necessity. It is a hope. It is a truth. And I am proud. 

It is so good to hear of this. Spirit and humanity, balanced contradictions. You are… amazing. You are so much the light I strive to be. When you speak of your troubles, you find yourself in everything. Even when you feel lost. Your spirituality is humbling and your humanity is inspiring. You say to me, “I would be no one without you.” And even though this is something that I know and that I reflect back to you a thousand times over, it hurts when you say it. I am not with you this time and I believe I haven’t been for a while. My spirit has suffered and I cannot fall into my humanity. I want to feel my humanness. I want to break. I want to sob. I want to fully experience anger and get into fights and do stupid things. Passion. I want to feel the passionate life of a human. And yet… I sit here. It’s not that I am emotionless. I feel my heart race. I feel the density of the air in my lungs. I know the struggle. But this is all I can do. Sit. Blink. Breathe. I am too composed. I am trapped inside a body. I am trapped inside a mind. You have said before that you want my patience. But you don’t. Expression? I have not been pushed far enough. But how much farther can I go? I know what it feels like to want to destroy a room. I know what it feels like to want to collapse in the middle of a thunderstorm and scream. I know what it feels like to want to drive until I am out of gas and walk until my legs give way and crawl until my knees erode. But my mind… I am too sensible. I am toopatient. I have figured out all too well how to “deal” with emotions so that I do not break. I am not well but I am not broken. So I sit. Blink. Breathe. And my spirit? She is quiet. She is a mirror of my human self. There is no energy. There is no desire. She is just as trapped as I am. How can she learn from a human who does not allow experience? I don’t have the tools to give it to her. When I look at the stars it is because of habit. I see them. I enjoy their shapes. I recognize beauty. I do not feel them. When you say, “I would be no one without you”, I understand. We are one in the same. But it hurts. I love you so much. You are so passionate and experienced. You are so loving and connected. But I am not with you. I am patient. We are yin and yang. 

I want to celebrate with you. I want to revel in humanity with you. But this time I can’t and I’m sorry. I know an apology is unnecessary and that you will tell me to put it away, but it is something I simply have to give. I didn’t want to say any of this and I know that it will not make you feel good when you read it. And that is why I have to say sorry. Because I want nothing more than to say, “Oh god, me too!” and to be with you. And I don’t want you to be no one. 

Ivy league and IV needles know what the inside of my veins look like. They pump me full of wisdom and drugs but answer no questions left by the years. Timeless residue that drifts on the wind and settles on my lips. A tale to be told, a longing that is older than the word itself. Love my lips whisper. Love is what we want answered. Where and Who. When and How. All the knowledge, all the health could not give me the satisfaction. IV sees my veins, but not my heart. We know it is broken, working too hard for so little a task as to keep one body alive. Surly, this is not too much to ask. But time will tell the tale that no heart can bare alone. Love on my lips, willing to be shared. One kiss asks the question. Eternity is the answer. 

Empty as an unfilled urn, we know the feeling all too well. Empty enough to create gravity, a black hole at the center of the body. We know, we know and yet not at all. How can emptiness be here. Keeping myself from being filled, for what? Pain is familiar and yet I deny myself even that pleasure. Why do I wish for nothing? It is wrong and yet I’ve thought this way my whole life. A hospital bed is not soft, is not warm. Who would wish to be there? I do not want the pity that stands there at the bedside. But I do want the tears and the wisdom, the hands and the visitors, the love and the hope. Who would be there? I want an excuse to be weak. We’ve talked about this before, being better.

I feel forgotten, but I know I am not. If only I would take the time to look, I would find everyone standing right beside me. But my eyelids are so heavy and my head hangs down as my neck bends in exhaustion. I cannot see them this way and they do not reach out to touch me, so I do not feel them. Even with the truth in my mind, the word alone knocks on the inside of my heart. Forgotten. They are there, yes. But do they see me? Do they remember that I am here? Of course, of course. With one word they would turn to look at me, remembering me. But my voice is gone and I can’t speak through the dry air that has invaded my body, full of dust and time, full of sleep and weariness. 

The stars I call out to, the stars I long to see. The stars I know are waiting, waiting for a time with me. They understand my heart before it has had a chance to beat. The stars are more of me as I stand in their cold, distant heat. Millions of parts scattered to wander, always ready for the question but never the answer. 

This girl that I see standing beautifully opposite of me. She is everything I want to be and everything I know I am. I look at her and I am not alone. I am not forgotten. The stars talk to me through her eyes and the whole Universe resides in her heart. Black holes and supernovas. Hydrogen, Oxygen and Carbon. It is something so simple and yet so eternal and infinite that I could never fully understand who we are. 

At nineteen years and eleven and a half months of age, I fall into the category of young adulthood, though I think it is fair to say that I am still transitioning from adolescence. According to Erikson, I should be developed in my sense of self and beginning to seek romantic partnership as I leave the crisis of identity versus role confusion and enter into the crisis of intimacy versus isolation. I would concede that this is fairly accurate.

            I have always been a rather introspective person. Throughout my teenage years, I often took the time to evaluate my perceptions about life, the people around me and myself. Even within the past year, I have become keenly aware of my development as a person and have chosen to consciously appraise my sense of self, often taking the time to meditate on the source of certain personality traits and beliefs. As my last year of being a teenager comes to a conclusion within the next few weeks, I am confident in what I know about myself and just as confident in what I don’t know. People never stop developing and I understand that even as I settle into my identity, life will continue to mold me.

            However, I do not see the new challenge of intimacy versus isolation as going so smoothly for me. As an introvert, as someone who struggles with vulnerability, as the daughter and product of an extremely messy divorce and as witness and veteran to many cases of failed trust, the prospect of intimacy seems more frightening than its sweet connotation implies. This is a challenge that I am distinctly aware of and often battle with. It is very difficult for me to fully, unconditionally trust someone else with my deeply private matters. I often don’t allow myself to depend on other people for emotional support because of the extreme guilt I feel when I do ask for it. I unwittingly convince myself that I am being a burden if I show the slightest bit of negative emotion, if I don’t insist on my resiliency during hard times and if I am unable to provide reciprocal support for them. I often fear that others will see me as weak, become angry or disappointed with me, abandon me and what is more, I will convince myself that I deserved it.   

 Despite my obvious reservations, I greatly admire those who fall in love. Love is, in fact, an integral and central part in almost everything that I believe in. I view it as essential in all its forms. I insist on love for others. I dish it out in barrels. I wish for it on every dandelion seed, every penny at the bottom of a well and every shooting star. When I see a couple deeply in love or hear of a wedding, my heart warms and sinks at the same time. Falling in love, to me, is probably one of the most courageous things a person could do. The reality of it is, as much as I can give it away, I will never fall in love until I learn to receive it.

Erikson has set a hefty challenge ahead for me. As frightening as intimacy may seem, I staunchly refuse to reach the age of forty in isolation. Personal development will continue to push me forward as life shapes my experiences and I have faith that I too will overcome this crisis.  

I want to disappear. I want to sink into my bed. I want to pull these sheets over my head and watch them deflate as I turn into nothing. I want to breathe. Only breathe. Maybe then I will feel better, when I am full of nothing but air pumped in through the tube that rests in my nose. It burns. Give me bruises on my arm where you pump me with anesthesia. Give me sleep. Give me nothing. I wake up wet. Wet from tears and drool. I shiver in my gown, feeling exposed even under three blankets. I want to disappear. Invade me with tubes and pills and needles, but get nothing. There is nothing. Why didn’t it work? Just breathe. I want to stop lying. Of course I’m not okay. I can’t sleep. I can’t wake. I can’t eat. I can’t starve. I can’t tell you I’m not okay. I want to disappear. Just breathe. A few days ago I peed in my pants. At least I was at home. I thought I held it, but I didn’t. Now my eyes are wet too and the nothingness inside me is rolling and you think that I’m okay? I want to disappear. Just breathe. I’m scared and I’m tired and I want to be held. I want to cry. I want to cry until there is nothing left of me, until I have disappeared and all that is left is a single breath and I’ll let it drop in my IV and put me to sleep.  

Once there was a young girl and she loved the world around her. She loved the woods and the ocean. She loved the sun and the stars. She loved everyone she met and cherished every moment of her life. She knew that what she had was enough.

One day, Life decided to test her. He tore her family apart. She was very young and grew very sad. Life asked her then, “How can you go on? You have nothing left.”

She went for a walk in the woods and thought for a while, then smiled and answered, “Everything happens for a reason. Something good will come out of this.” And it did.

Within a manner of years her mother remarried and she was blessed with a younger brother. She was happy. He brightened her life and she knew that what she had was enough.

One day, Death decided to test her. He took her Grandma away. She felt very alone and grew very sad. Death asked her then, “How can you go on? Who do you have now?”

She looked up at the stars and they reminded her of her Grandma’s favorite song to hear her sing-“Twinkle, twinkle little star”. She felt her little brother tug on her shirt and she looked around to see her friends close by. She smiled and answered Death, “My grandmother will always be with me. My little brother loves me and I have friends to depend on. I will never be alone.” And it was true.

She was happy and she knew that what she had was enough.

One day, Faith decided to test her. He made many people in her life take advantage of her honesty and trust. She was confused and grew very sad.

Faith asked her then, “How can you go on? Who can you trust?”

She walked along the beach and gazed out to the ocean, searching for the answer. But she could not find one for a very long time. “Am I enough?” she wondered.

One day, Life decided to test her again. This time, he sent her to the doctor. She had never been sick before and she grew frightened.

Life asked her then, “How can you go on, when you don’t have your health?”

She sat on the porch and watched the sun set, then she smiled and answered, “I will be grateful for everything that happens to me- the good and the bad. All of my experiences make me who I am today. I have learned compassion and patience, kindness and honesty. I have learned to love unconditionally and to forgive without regret. I will never stop growing and I will always be there for those who need me. I will stay strong in my faith of the inherent goodness that is in every creature and I will cherish every moment of my life.”

And she was happy and she knew that who she was and what she had would always be enough.